"Yes...I love you too..." and a long gasp for breath. The lie that he has been telling over and over again to different girls, in different places, at different times.
Last night had been a usual weekend start for him.Fried chicken, a bottle of whisky, a packet of cigarettes and a couple of rounds of sex.Ususally he felt tired enough to have some respite of sleep but today it was different.
After hours of struggle he rose to light a cigarette .Clad in minimal outfit he went to comfort himself on the chair he kept in the balcony of his apartment in 1040 Fifth Avenue,NYC.
He switched on his Samsung D1.11 and suddenly got deluged with reminiscence of the older times. Samsung was the company that gave him his first break. Life has never been a walk in the park for him. His education and his struggle to get his first job has immuned him in dealing with difficult situations.” It isn’t over till its over”. He generally used to say to his sub-ordinates .From the graduates of top engineering institutes to the uneducated masses of U.P,they all want to be ruled. Only difference is in the idea that they bow there heads to. If u are ready to take charge, you can rule the world. Just get addicted to the drug of taking calculated risks and back them up.Paitently wait for the right time and when it comes go for the kill!!!These simple strategies had got him here from a 1 room house in Mirzapur to 3 Bedroom apartment in the most expensive place in the world.
Today the years of travel, of defeats, of victories, of achievements, of failures were rising in his mind and militated against the camouflage of the persona he has created. Today the burden of living someone else's life has become unbearable that even a lavish dinner, exotic wine, best brands of cigarettes and ... can't overcome.
His mind wondered to reach his oldest memories of his early childhood… Mirzapur ,a small town in U.P.Being youngest in the family , he was loved commanded,rebuked by all .The family was run with a single agenda...to give the children best possible education. The income was limited, but so were the wants. He used to spend most of the time wandering through the neighborhood that comprised of a big play ground, remains of a church build in colonial times, some houses, and enough nature's presence to keep a child busy...........
...Suddenly the mobile rang....Its 5 already, the usual time to wake up. He was already up but not in this world. He exited the alarm and went inside to have a cup of tea and of course his usual medication...a cigarette.
About Me
- The insoluble_stain
- hmm this is a hell difficult question to ask anybody.how can anybody describe himself in words. This question has been asked lots of time in interviews and after a couple of rounds you graduate with "i was born on ...i did my schooling from... on personal front ..... and in the end ...thank you for providing me an opportunity to have discussions with you....and you are all set. okk for those of you who even cared to reach this point and have courage to read further here it is . Spent most of my childhood with books...prepared for enng exams ,Btech from an NIT(REC)Computer Science. Hit by recession currently working in open text corporation . for further insight in my mediocre life check my posts...thats it or should i say "This is it(remember MJ :))"
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
Here with you......
"
The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go" !!
How many years old have you gone ? I asked myself ....tryin to understand the subtle phenomena of life and its implication in accordance to the person...coming up to this age how many of us think that we have filled our life with "life".have i lived 2009 ??
i think "no".....we are too busy in surviving the moments of joy ,sorrow,success and failure to actually live and enjoy the vividness that the life grants profusely ..
How does having a bad time any different than a roller coaster ride ...Infact it is more "real"...you fall and you rise ....but our natural instinct which is no better than that of an prey in a jungle, constantly pips us to watch our back and be cautious,to sulk when in trouble and to breathe a sigh of relief when some goal is achieved .
Many of us feel we had been unlucky or just didnt had enough ingredients to come out wid flying colors from a situation.But does it really matter where you are ,what you do,what you have achieved in your life...decade have passed when we had been running behind some aims,goals,ambitions.These may be posed on us or we individually opted for taking that useless strain on our shoulders to give some valid materialistic significance to our existence.Having said that i by no means mean to imply that one has to be careless with his life..i just want to be "carefree" because being careful to each and every small pin attached to my existential aura is guaranteeing piercing and draining of "life" from it.
Well i am thankful to God for he has given me some hard times,some bad memories...otherwise i wouldnt had been able to really value the good goings.I really feel the blessings he bestowed upon me by giving me the hardships.
Well i have decided something...i am done surviving the time....I have decided that however bad or good the life gets i am gonna enjoy each moment before it withers away coz it hardly matters.The thing to be really satisfied and be happy about is that we are living..nothing is more important than this...to be living is the only happiness,only thing we can be really proud of because life is what which brought us here and it will go extinguish with us when we die.
I have decided that i am gonna live my life,fill it with loads of fun excitement and feelin or in short fill it with "life".Just add life in every thing you have ,in every thing you do and you will feel the difference....kyunki kya pata kl ho na ho...
The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go" !!
How many years old have you gone ? I asked myself ....tryin to understand the subtle phenomena of life and its implication in accordance to the person...coming up to this age how many of us think that we have filled our life with "life".have i lived 2009 ??
i think "no".....we are too busy in surviving the moments of joy ,sorrow,success and failure to actually live and enjoy the vividness that the life grants profusely ..
How does having a bad time any different than a roller coaster ride ...Infact it is more "real"...you fall and you rise ....but our natural instinct which is no better than that of an prey in a jungle, constantly pips us to watch our back and be cautious,to sulk when in trouble and to breathe a sigh of relief when some goal is achieved .
Many of us feel we had been unlucky or just didnt had enough ingredients to come out wid flying colors from a situation.But does it really matter where you are ,what you do,what you have achieved in your life...decade have passed when we had been running behind some aims,goals,ambitions.These may be posed on us or we individually opted for taking that useless strain on our shoulders to give some valid materialistic significance to our existence.Having said that i by no means mean to imply that one has to be careless with his life..i just want to be "carefree" because being careful to each and every small pin attached to my existential aura is guaranteeing piercing and draining of "life" from it.
Well i am thankful to God for he has given me some hard times,some bad memories...otherwise i wouldnt had been able to really value the good goings.I really feel the blessings he bestowed upon me by giving me the hardships.
Well i have decided something...i am done surviving the time....I have decided that however bad or good the life gets i am gonna enjoy each moment before it withers away coz it hardly matters.The thing to be really satisfied and be happy about is that we are living..nothing is more important than this...to be living is the only happiness,only thing we can be really proud of because life is what which brought us here and it will go extinguish with us when we die.
I have decided that i am gonna live my life,fill it with loads of fun excitement and feelin or in short fill it with "life".Just add life in every thing you have ,in every thing you do and you will feel the difference....kyunki kya pata kl ho na ho...
Thursday, December 17, 2009
An educated aam aadmi ....Part1
I remember the day when i lost my first job..
Its was start of Jan,09 ,a chilly time in Allahabad,though few rounds of occasional health drinks(marketed by the name of McDowell No1 rum) and a heater in my 12by7 hostel room obviated any climatic adversities .
Those days recession was in its worst phase .Sensex had already lost it senses.Some guy who headed a big company(ironically whose english meaning is "truth") pleaded guilty for "lying" about the companys' revenue.Some "brothers" of Lehmann family got broke and companies were firing people in numbers that can only be compared to number of products the Bacchan Trio(Baap beta aur bahu) advertise for.
There were no jobs in the market whatsoever(except the hoax "client of Fortune 500" ones which were just made up by the naukri's and mosters') Anyhow lets get back to the story...
So it was on 16 Jan,i have already had my dinner and was enjoying a chitchat with p@ks(a very good friend who always has some engaging story to tell)when i logged on my email account to find "regarding joining"
and a click later i was apprised with "will like to deffer the joining till next year".I read the mail a number of times the letters didn't budge .Then i went on to consult a few cigarettes and in clouds of smoke, fast forwarded to the times ahead which promised to be horrifying enough to send chills down my spine(and it had nothing to do with the weather mind u).Leaving the college without a job!!Later i gave myself a boost which i generally do (and most of the people find me obnoxious for that)thinking "chaloo beyy...itney chu(beep) ki job lag gyi hai to mere ko to bahut kuch aata hai kahin na kahin to nikaal hi loonga".
I tried to stabilize a bit by taking myself to the gate,a place about 1 km from our hostel which promises 24 hr-tea and sutta service.
It was already 2 in the morning and only few metres away from the hostel i could feel the chilly wind piercing through the thick armour of warm clothing that i have trapped myself in.I reached there in few minutes only to find chotu(usual designation for children working in shops) sitting there near the stove.I ordered "chotu ek special aur ek gold flake dena"
he replied"eespecial nahi hai sir banata hoon"
Then i went on to sit on the wooden bench which gets very cold at night and one has to take an instantaneous decision on whether he wants to give his bottom the sudden gush of cold .
I found a person in his early forties sitting there.He had blank eyes,uncombed blackish white hair,and a thin empty face with a withered skin .Overall he appeared to me as leftover of the recession hit global economy.We shared a look and then i sat there looking on the road crowded by rocketing trucks.Few minutes later he croaks
"Aaj thandi bahut hai sir"
Usual north Indian style to start conversation...either weather or Mayawati...
DEC17,09 10:10 p.m. Real time
Got to go....will continue very soon....
Its was start of Jan,09 ,a chilly time in Allahabad,though few rounds of occasional health drinks(marketed by the name of McDowell No1 rum) and a heater in my 12by7 hostel room obviated any climatic adversities .
Those days recession was in its worst phase .Sensex had already lost it senses.Some guy who headed a big company(ironically whose english meaning is "truth") pleaded guilty for "lying" about the companys' revenue.Some "brothers" of Lehmann family got broke and companies were firing people in numbers that can only be compared to number of products the Bacchan Trio(Baap beta aur bahu) advertise for.
There were no jobs in the market whatsoever(except the hoax "client of Fortune 500" ones which were just made up by the naukri's and mosters') Anyhow lets get back to the story...
So it was on 16 Jan,i have already had my dinner and was enjoying a chitchat with p@ks(a very good friend who always has some engaging story to tell)when i logged on my email account to find "regarding joining"
and a click later i was apprised with "will like to deffer the joining till next year".I read the mail a number of times the letters didn't budge .Then i went on to consult a few cigarettes and in clouds of smoke, fast forwarded to the times ahead which promised to be horrifying enough to send chills down my spine(and it had nothing to do with the weather mind u).Leaving the college without a job!!Later i gave myself a boost which i generally do (and most of the people find me obnoxious for that)thinking "chaloo beyy...itney chu(beep) ki job lag gyi hai to mere ko to bahut kuch aata hai kahin na kahin to nikaal hi loonga".
I tried to stabilize a bit by taking myself to the gate,a place about 1 km from our hostel which promises 24 hr-tea and sutta service.
It was already 2 in the morning and only few metres away from the hostel i could feel the chilly wind piercing through the thick armour of warm clothing that i have trapped myself in.I reached there in few minutes only to find chotu(usual designation for children working in shops) sitting there near the stove.I ordered "chotu ek special aur ek gold flake dena"
he replied"eespecial nahi hai sir banata hoon"
Then i went on to sit on the wooden bench which gets very cold at night and one has to take an instantaneous decision on whether he wants to give his bottom the sudden gush of cold .
I found a person in his early forties sitting there.He had blank eyes,uncombed blackish white hair,and a thin empty face with a withered skin .Overall he appeared to me as leftover of the recession hit global economy.We shared a look and then i sat there looking on the road crowded by rocketing trucks.Few minutes later he croaks
"Aaj thandi bahut hai sir"
Usual north Indian style to start conversation...either weather or Mayawati...
DEC17,09 10:10 p.m. Real time
Got to go....will continue very soon....
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Tiger in the Woods.....Really !!!
Everybody has something to say about Tiger...Let me also have a say(as i say so !!)
As it goes Tiger is going to appear on cover page of a Sport magazine along with Obama.The magazine will hit the stands in Jan,and its already in print.The cover page says ,guess what,"Ten tips that Obama can take from Tiger".Probably they are gonna add golf somewhere.
But in this furor where everybody is pointing towards woods haven't we forgotten something.He has excelled in a sport in such a way that even a person who does not how scoring in golf is done knows that Woods plays Golf(I am not commenting on u).No person is beyond sport but this guy is an exception.People lose interest,the TRP dwindles down if Tiger is not playing.....
Everybody has vices and so does he.I remember an intellectual commenting that "first time in his life Tiger is not in control"
Well i believe he is.He new that this is gonna happen one day or the other but at that time as well he did what he wanted and now when he is taking break he is doing what he wants !!This is what that is implied when we say being "in control".
After he accepted to so called "acts of transgressions"people have been keeping the counts of his mistress's like a child in LKG(one ... two...ten,hell its in two digits now)For intrested readers see the complete listing here
If you leave his vices behind you will find a person who has always been in the driver seat of his life(of course wearing a seat belt)..and i think who can play a role model for many who have never been focused to there life aims and never pushed themselves to achieve excellence in there career or lives.
I admire him to an extent as "he is all but human"
As it goes Tiger is going to appear on cover page of a Sport magazine along with Obama.The magazine will hit the stands in Jan,and its already in print.The cover page says ,guess what,"Ten tips that Obama can take from Tiger".Probably they are gonna add golf somewhere.
But in this furor where everybody is pointing towards woods haven't we forgotten something.He has excelled in a sport in such a way that even a person who does not how scoring in golf is done knows that Woods plays Golf(I am not commenting on u).No person is beyond sport but this guy is an exception.People lose interest,the TRP dwindles down if Tiger is not playing.....
Everybody has vices and so does he.I remember an intellectual commenting that "first time in his life Tiger is not in control"
Well i believe he is.He new that this is gonna happen one day or the other but at that time as well he did what he wanted and now when he is taking break he is doing what he wants !!This is what that is implied when we say being "in control".
After he accepted to so called "acts of transgressions"people have been keeping the counts of his mistress's like a child in LKG(one ... two...ten,hell its in two digits now)For intrested readers see the complete listing here
If you leave his vices behind you will find a person who has always been in the driver seat of his life(of course wearing a seat belt)..and i think who can play a role model for many who have never been focused to there life aims and never pushed themselves to achieve excellence in there career or lives.
I admire him to an extent as "he is all but human"
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
my first pen stains....About me
Dec 16 8:30 a.m..i come to my office for my daily 8:30-5:30.
With my training still going on there is no deadline i have to meet.I had already prepared my work plan or IDP(individual devlopmnt plan as they say)and the driving motto is" some work and more play".We have to abide by the rules....
So everything except the pay is quite cool here for me.
8:35 a.m
I log on my computer .Check my emails ,nthin exciting there. Then the usual economic times . Though i am immune to fluctuations in gross product index or crr of SBI as the case with " aam janta" is but it surely gives me glory of being a corporate intelligent amidst amateurs (non eco-times readers) when ,with an solemn look and a borrowed cadence from Amartya Sen i explain them the intricacies of the world economy based on my battered knowledge !!
9 a.m wat to do wat to do.......chalo coffee.....
someday u want to enjoy coffee alone talking to you .its one of those days
so i slipped out....
9:20 a.m with a deadly combo of cigarette and coffee i am standing outside my office building thinking about thinking something !!! still blank....
9:45 still nothing ...
lets go to google..
lets do something new .......bloggs
everybody is writing blogs... wats that....
search somethin...
after some careless steering through the searchs' i found myself
staring at "create a blog". And now i m here writing my first post(Hope it does not sucks !!).Till this point it appears to be intresting let see how it is ahead......
It feels like....
"
I ll let myself have what i owe ...
some letters, some words and some thoughts to flow...
and let them flow and bridge the gap that lies between me and my-self"
"
I ll try my best to express myself ,my ideas, fantacies and my realty in best way i can....
With my training still going on there is no deadline i have to meet.I had already prepared my work plan or IDP(individual devlopmnt plan as they say)and the driving motto is" some work and more play".We have to abide by the rules....
So everything except the pay is quite cool here for me.
8:35 a.m
I log on my computer .Check my emails ,nthin exciting there. Then the usual economic times . Though i am immune to fluctuations in gross product index or crr of SBI as the case with " aam janta" is but it surely gives me glory of being a corporate intelligent amidst amateurs (non eco-times readers) when ,with an solemn look and a borrowed cadence from Amartya Sen i explain them the intricacies of the world economy based on my battered knowledge !!
9 a.m wat to do wat to do.......chalo coffee.....
someday u want to enjoy coffee alone talking to you .its one of those days
so i slipped out....
9:20 a.m with a deadly combo of cigarette and coffee i am standing outside my office building thinking about thinking something !!! still blank....
9:45 still nothing ...
lets go to google..
lets do something new .......bloggs
everybody is writing blogs... wats that....
search somethin...
after some careless steering through the searchs' i found myself
staring at "create a blog". And now i m here writing my first post(Hope it does not sucks !!).Till this point it appears to be intresting let see how it is ahead......
It feels like....
"
I ll let myself have what i owe ...
some letters, some words and some thoughts to flow...
and let them flow and bridge the gap that lies between me and my-self"
"
I ll try my best to express myself ,my ideas, fantacies and my realty in best way i can....
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